Saying Goodbye to She

You must come to a place in your life where you take responsibility for the person you’ve become; the good the bad, and the ugly.

I spent a lot of time in a really docile place. Complacent, unmotivated, lazy even. For a long time, I couldn’t figure it out. I was happily married, I recently found out I was expecting my first child, I had a great job, I was graduating with my Masters, and I had a lot of AMAZING plans.

But there was something still missing. Something within me was unsettled, unsatisfied. I was missing a true sense of my purpose, a true direction in life. I grew up for so many years being everyone’s leader and example. I knew all the right things to say to help people find their path but I was still feeling so lost.

I was this big walking DREAM, but struggling to bring myself into reality. Burdened by fear and uncertainty. Haunted by broken friendships, many I knew ended partly or entirely because of me. I knew I hurt some people a long the way, I knew I had some low moments of not being the nicest or kindest person. But I also know I’ve been hurt, abandoned, embarrassed, and even shamed by people who claimed to love and care about me.

I was scarred. Scarred by feeling unworthy of a platform or space because I knew someone, somewhere had an unfavorable opinion about me. How I could I even consider sharing my work. I was just so full of uncertainty. But what began to consume me more was FEAR.

Fear of rejection.

Fear of failure.

Fear of success that I couldn’t handle.

So those fear became my EXCUSES, my reason for not doing what I felt so strongly was part of my purpose.

So when the ringing in my ear wouldn’t stop, I fought back every time. I pushed those thoughts out of myself. I continued to be hindered and burdened by the thoughts of what people would think and being too afraid to fail stopped me from even trying. Stopped me from even considering it; me being an influencer, an inspiration? Not anymore.

A voice for her generation, a leader by example. A person people can look at and say, I want to get there one day, and find my truth and face it and conquer it.

I wasn’t worthy, I was too broken, too afraid to be my true self because I didn’t like her so why would anyone else?  I didn’t like that…..

……she was lazy, inconsistent, and she wasn’t real.

She had everyone around her fooled. She seemed so put together. But inside she was so broken and afraid. She was afraid to be herself because she was afraid of the person who she would see stand before her in the mirror.

So she kept pretending. She kept the smile on her face and the plan in her head.

But she never felt free.

She still didn’t feel whole. She had God in her life but not enough maybe? Or like the other facets of her life was a pretense, her relationship with God was just another front, maybe she didn’t know him at all? But that couldn’t be because she felt he constantly. Felt his nudging, his calling, his love.

There was so much left for her to understand about who she was and the person she wanted to be.

But she was crippled. Handicapped by her inconsistencies. Paralyzed by a fear that manifests as the worst disease—putting her in a place of dis-ease. She was unmotivated……

But thankfully—I saw a glimpse of light. I saw herself for the first time and was committed to change. Committed to being better. Committed to confronting those parts of me SHE was too ashamed to admit even existed.

I took her mask off, and I began to feel free. I left she behind, and I was finally free to be me.

From that, the freedom sparked a journey to finding purpose.

Somehow I knew it was connected to my words—in writing, in speech, in print—my words would set me free.

I just had to figure out how.

The woman I had become, I didn’t know her. I didn’t like her, and I needed to change, I had to change.

So I’m taking a leap of faith and a step in a new direction to a place I’ve been before but with a new attitude, a renewed sense of motivation; I am determined to take charge of the course of my life without fear or hesitation—without any feelings of intimidation.

So welcome to my safe space. A place I’m sure you’ve been before. A place where together we can learn and grow, cry and share. Become better people and our best self. A place where we can chart a new direction for our life, inspired by God and discover the purpose we so desperately desire to know and understand. A place to get directed. Together in this space we will be challenged, forced to look inside, and empowered to go and conquer life in ways we never could imagine. We are on this journey together, for real this time. No more fear, no more doubt, just truth, love, and purpose.

This is my directive, to become whole and pursue purpose.

So welcome back to Martina’s Directives, hopefully, we’ll all learn something.

I leave you with a borrowed thought – Very often a change of self is needed more than a change of scene” Arthur Christopher Benson

MY Directive: at some point you have to stop being simply filled with potential and take actions towards fulfilling purpose
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